Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Meal Nomenclature for the Living

My fellow living beings, I write today to urge the adoption of a new word for lunch and dinner: foodening.

Why do we need a new word, you ask. We need to distinguish ourselves from the undead, and one of the surest ways to do so is use unique words to distinguish our eating habits.

The word lunch has got to go. Lunch rhymes with munch, and that conjures up visions of zombies chomping down on human flesh. So stop saying lunch. Ditto brunch. In addition to the rhyming problem, brunch is a two-faced meal. Is it breakfast or not? Dang thing's more conflicted than a werewolf checking phases of the moon. We don't need hybrid meals, so we definitely don't need words for them.

Dinner must also be abolished from the vocabulary of the living. It's too easy to make the word sound sinister. Try this: say, "Of course, you will stay for dinner" in your best Count Dracula voice. Creepy. "When do we dine?" Same thing. No thank you.

What about the word supper? Forget it. No one 'sups' anymore.

No, the only word that works for the second and third major meals of the day is foodening. It has a delicious heft to it, like 'reckoning' but with more ketchup.

Feast is another acceptable living word. Yeah, a lot of undead use it...feast upon the living, etc...but it has a strong enough party connotation that we should take it back.

You may be wondering why I haven't said anything about breakfast. It's a fine living word that we don't need to change. Most of the undead don't get up early enough to have breakfast, so the word and the hour are ours!

Go forth, glad living, and define your world!

To the foodening!!

- M. M. Wells